


I Got 99 Problems and a Stitch Ain't One

by desertredwolf



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Dumbledore's Army, Gen, Humor, Knitting, Not Canon Compliant, Room of Requirement, School club, Slytherins Being Slytherins, The sass is real
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-11-23 11:13:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11401344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/desertredwolf/pseuds/desertredwolf
Summary: In which Slytherin wants to start a knitting club and Harry is willing to support the endeavor. A (hopefully) humorous little oneshot.





	I Got 99 Problems and a Stitch Ain't One

“Scarhead, Weasel … Mudblood,” a familiar voice drawled behind the Golden Trio, as they chatted and ate breakfast together in the Great Hall, “I unfortunately need to speak with you.”

Harry’s head snapped up at the unwelcome intrusion and he, in a not-so-subtle motion, drew his wand out of his pocket. Ron jumped to his feet, his ears burning red, while Hermione narrowed her eyes. The nearby Gryffindors at the table, a small contingent of first- and second- year students, wisely decided to quickly move away from the brewing fight.

“What do you want, Malfoy?” spat Harry. His temper had quickly reached boiling levels upon hearing his nemesis’ voice, but was almost just as swiftly curbed by curiosity.

_Where were Malfoy’s goons, Crabbe and Goyle?_

“Now, now,” Malfoy shook his head mockingly, “that’s no way to speak to your betters, Potter.”

“ _Betters?!_ ” snarled Ron. “I’ll show you _betters_ , you slimy, evil—”

“ _Ron!_ Honestly, this isn’t helping anything,” muttered Hermione. Tugging on his arm, she slowly forced him to sit back down. The Trio looked at the Head Table to see if any of the professors had noticed the commotion, only to find Professor Snape glaring at them.

_“Twenty points from Gryffindor,”_ the Potions Master mouthed with glee in his eyes.

Hermione tugged on Ron’s arm again, preventing him from responding to the professor, and the three Gryffindors looked back at Malfoy.

“As I was saying,” Malfoy continued, as if he had never been interrupted, “we Slytherins were … _inspired_ by your little remedial defense group from last year, Potter, and wish to have our own club as well. Unfortunately, we need someone from each house to approve the club, before we can submit the request to the four Heads of House.” Malfoy said all this in a rather bored and semi-rehearsed tone.

“So why are you talking to us?” Hermione piped up.

“We need the approval of an upper-year student, either a sixth or seventh year. We already have approval from Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw and you three are the only eligible Gryffindors that remained here over the winter holidays,” Malfoy said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“We’re not going to approve any Death Eater training club!” Harry replied hotly.

Malfoy looked at Harry and smirked.  “Who said anything about that, Potter?” he asked.

Shrugging off the Trio’s confounded stares, Malfoy pulled a scroll of parchment out of his bag. “To help satisfy any lingering doubts, you can find all of the _nitty-_ gritty details in the flyer.”

Tossing the scroll onto the table, he walked away without a backward glance.

As soon as Malfoy had left the Great Hall, Hermione snatched the scroll and unrolled it. Harry and Ron watched her read, her face growing more and more furious by the second.

“This is absolutely ridiculous!” shouted Hermione. Angrily, she moved to crumple the paper, but Ron grabbed it out of her hands before that happened.

“What? What is that Ferret planning now?” Ron asked.

Harry grew impatient as Ron slowly read the parchment. Finally, after Ron silently put the parchment down, it was Harry’s turn to read it.

 

_Students and Faculty of Hogwarts:_

_We, Slytherin House, feel that Hogwarts is sadly lacking in extra-curricular activities. The few clubs that are available, sadly, do not cover a wide enough range of interests for everyone to participate in and feel welcomed._

_We, Slytherin House, were inspired by Harry Potter’s remedial defense group last year and wish to start our own group._

_Since we do not need remedial defense training, however, we wish to start a club focused on a more soothing activity:_

_Knitting._

_We, Slytherin House, propose a trial period for the club this year. Only fifth-year Slytherins and older would be welcome in the club, in order to keep group a manageable size and work out any scheduling/hosting problems. If this trial period is a success, we, Slytherin House, will of course open the club to all year groups and Houses._

_We, Slytherin House, need your support in our endeavors. Please sign below if you are willing to give our club a chance!_

_Hogwarts needs more clubs!_

_Vote for the Slytherin Knitting Club!_

_-Slytherin House_

 

The bottom of the parchment was filled with signatures from students in the other three Houses.

“This is ridiculous!” Hermione repeated. “I can’t believe they would try to do this!”

“How could Dumbledore sign off on this already? I thought it was just student signatures at this point,” Ron murmured, rereading the parchment.

“He likes knitting,” Harry replied, remembering the conversation with Slughorn before the year had started.

“Knitting! This isn’t about knitting!” Hermione replied in a scandalized tone. “Didn’t you read it? _‘Only fifth-year Slytherins and older would be welcome in the club…’_ and _‘Since we do not need remedial defense training…’_ This is clearly advance Death Eater training! We can’t sign off on this!”

Ron nodded angrily and opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted.

“Hermione,” Harry said, thinking fast, “this is just about knitting. Why not let them have their stupid club? They could even help you with S.P.E.W.”

Ron and Hermione’s jaws dropped simultaneously.

“Harry,” Hermione said, as if she were talking to a small child, “this is _Malfoy_. They’re not even trying to be subtle about this! How can you not see?”

Harry grabbed the parchment and made a show of rereading it.

“Well, Hermione, apart from being a bit rude in calling the D.A. _‘remedial defense training,’_ I don’t see what you’re talking about. It’s just a knitting club.”

“But Harry,” Ron sputtered, “this is _Malfoy_ we’re talking about! He’s evil!”

“Yeah,” Harry nodded, “and he wants to start a knitting club, which I am willing to support.”

Harry stood up from the table, his friends staring at him in disbelief.

“Honestly, you guys are reading too much into this and seeing something that’s not there. I better go find a quill, so I can sign off on this.”

And with that, Harry walked out of the Great Hall.

.oOo. 

Hermione and Ron didn’t see Harry the rest of the day. When he didn’t show up to class or the rest of meals, they began to grow concerned.

It wasn’t until Dobby popped into the Gryffindor Common Room later that night with a note from Harry, did Hermione and Ron’s worry ease.

Hermione thanked Dobby and opened the note from Harry.

 

_Guys,_

_I’m not an idiot. Of course, I didn’t sign the parchment._

_But how does it feel to be the one not believed, when the truth is staring at you in the face?_

_Can we agree that Malfoy is a Death Eater now?_

_I’m in the Room of Requirement._

_Password to get in is ‘I was wrong and you were right, Harry.’_

_-The-Boy-Who-Was-Right_

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own Harry Potter. All rights go to respective owners.
> 
> Prompt (Prompt of the Day — The Golden Snitch): (announcement) "Hogwarts needs more clubs! Vote for the Slytherin Knitting Club!"
> 
> Additional Prompts (Year-Long Scavenger Hunt — Harry Potter Fanfiction Challenges): (era) Trio
> 
> Word count (not including title or author’s notes): 1132


End file.
